As many of you know my father in law recently passed away. It was really tragic and happened so quickly we could barely believe what happened had actually happened. It was about 6 weeks from first diagnosis to him leaving this earthly world.
It all started Thursday October 24th when David arrived home from work. I could tell by the way he was acting something was off but I didn't know what. He came to hug me like he does when he gets home from work, but this time was different.. He held on longer than usual. David, is something wrong? I asked with a calm yet worried voice. He responded with the most life shattering news, I will never forget the terror and sadness in his voice as he said, my dad is going to die soon, he could barely get the words out. I in shock yelled, what??? What do you mean, as I started sobbing uncontrollably. He whispered under his breath, he has cancer. It's not looking good. He had just been diagnosed today. We held each other for a while, without speaking another word. We were both in shock at the news that had shook our whole world and life as we knew it, which up until this point had been pretty perfect and drama free.
Unfortunately David had to leave later that day to head to Idaho for a few days, I was so worried about him having to go work after getting news like that. At that point I didn't understand how bad it really was so I still had a glimmer of hope even though in my heart I knew this probably wasn't going to turn out well. I texted his friend Sam who I knew he would be in Idaho with, didn't tell him what exactly was going on, I just asked him to take really good care of David for me and try to keep him distracted as much as possible, that he was having a hard day. He of course was happy to help in anyway, even though he didn't yet know what was going on. Love you for that Sam, thanks again.
David got back 2 days later, Saturday morning, because he had an amazing Halloween party to DJ that evening we had planned to attend. We both thought it would be a fun distraction from the news so of course the littles and I also planned to attend. But in the back of our minds we wanted to get down to California as quickly as possible to be with his family and figure out exactly how long his dad was going to have left. We spent the next few days getting David's work things sorted out so we could spend as much time down there as possible before he had to come back.
When he first received his diagnosis they gave him 2-4 weeks of quality life. Then he went into another doctor the following week, they did more tests and said he could have possibly 3 months of quality life up to 6 or 9 months before he would actually pass. In any other circumstance getting the end of your life in a date like that is pretty tragic, and it still was tragic, but knowing we could have more time with him made us all a lot happier for the situation. Atleast he would be here for the holidays which lifted his spirits. He loves the holidays! The Devaneys always have the funnest Christmas parties with the most thoughtful activities for all the kids to enjoy. That's what Jim loved, seeing his family happy and having fun together.
The type of cancer he was diagnosed with is called Poorly Differentiated Adenocarcinoma, which is a serious condition that can threaten the life of a patient. Patients with this type of cancer may have a quickly growing tumor that is difficult to completely remove. Adenocarcinoma can attack many different systems, including the internal organs, the breasts, the lymph nodes and the skin. The prognosis for this type of cancer depends a great deal on the system in which the cancer is first found, as well as how differentiated the cancerous cells are. That is the official definition for it. It started in his stomach, where he had a large mass that had spread to all his major organs. It was a fast growing cancer, hence the reason they had just detected it and didn't give him very long left to live. They told him treating it wouldnt add much to his life, plus the side effects from all those treatments can be pretty horrific. He decided he wasn't going to fight it, it wouldn't help and wasn't worth what it could potentially do it his already sick, cancer filled organs and body. Before diagnosis he had originally gone into the dr because he was having heart burn, and pain when he laid down, plus he had recently lost a lot of weight. But no one suspected it could be something as serious as cancer, those were the only symptoms. Kind of crazy.
The following week we drove down to California. Before we left I had a member of our ward come and give David a blessing, a blessing that he would have peace and comfort through all of this, which I think helped relax him and ease his mind a little bit through all the chaos.
We got to California Saturday November 2nd. We were so relieved to be there, and even more relieved to see David's dad seemed to be in good spirits considering, I think he was happy that all his family were coming to be with him, even though it wasn't for the best reason. But we all love him dearly and wanted to show our support and help get his mind off of things, and spend as much time with him as possible. All of David's family had planned to be there the following week to spend some good quality time with Jim.
The next 2 weeks were full of fun family bonding, we all took turns cooking so Louise David's mom didn't have to worry about it and could focus on spending time with and taking care of Jims needs first. He seemed to be in good spirits most of the time, he wasn't losing anymore weight, but I could tell he was getting tired more easily, and his pain was gradually getting worse and worse, and his medications were being upped at a pretty rapid pace.
We planned activities around how Jim felt and what he could handle. We went to the beach one day with all the family, went and saw fire works at Disneyland another night. Everyone took him to the race track, his favorite thing, to see his favorite race car driver John Force in action. I didn't attend this activity because it's not exactly kid friendly, but that was ok, all I cared about was that everyone had a great time bonding and enjoying each others company. Which they absolutely did.
The night before Erin David's sisters family headed back to Idaho, David's dad said he wanted to give each one of his kids and grand kids a special fathers blessing. Wow, was the spirit strong in the room that night. Since I have had my littles I have become a really emotional person, it's only getting worse, so I kept having to leave the room to catch my breath because the tears were flowing. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. It was such an amazing experience and I'm so glad I was there for it. It took a while because he took his sweet time with each individual and I think everyone really appreciated and enjoyed it. It is something so special I will never forget. I didn't receive my blessing that night, I wanted to make sure all the important people or people who were headed home the next day got theirs first, and I could tell Jim was starting to hurt and getting tired by the end of all of those and needed to lay down. He did such an amazing job though, his voice was calm and firm as he gave a special message to each individual. I received my blessing a few weeks later when he did the rest of the family who weren't there that night, and it was special and so sweet.
The day before we planned to head home, David decided I should just stay until thanksgiving since we planned to come back anyway, and he would fly home to work for about a week or so then fly back just before thanksgiving. His mom thought this was a good idea, and was ok with it since we were staying at their house. The next week was full of fun times hanging out out with Jim and Louise. I loved the quality time my kids were getting with them and hoped it helped lift Jim's spirits to have his grandkids around, even if they are wild and loud at times... Like most kids.
Every night we would go in and lay in their bed with them and chat, watch a fun show and just enjoy each other's company. It is precious time I am so glad we were able to have. We loved it. Kayden especially loved running in their room, swinging the door open, and jumping on the bed! Especially since he knew his sweet grandpa always had a cookie waiting for him. Such an amazing and caring grandpa :)
One day Jim and Louise took us to pretend city, it's a fun place for kids to run around and play in a kid like city. It had things like, a drs office, grocery store, a bank, a stage to perform with music, all sorts of stuff for kids to interact with. Kayden loved it!! I knew Jim probably wasn't super comfortable the whole time being in the amount of pain he was in, but he didn't complain once and enjoyed this time watching his grandkids play.
I really enjoyed my time there, hanging out with David's mom while Jim was resting, cooking for them so Louise could spend as much quality time with him as possible. That was really important to me, and all the kids actually, Teri brought lots of delicious meals over also and came almost daily to check on her dad and visit us.
One night a few days before thanksgiving David's mom said Jim wanted to take us out to the movies. They knew I really wanted to see hunger games catching fire. so they said that was the movie we could go see. Teri watched my kids for me (thanks a million Teri!) and we ate pizza at her place. Then headed off to the movies. Having a new baby, leaving them is kind of a big deal and doesn't happen often. But not having David around to help me, I needed the break, and I think my in laws knew this. Boy was it a fun night out, just a nice break from life for a few hours to hang out with the in laws.
A few days later was thanksgiving, Teri (David's sister) and I decided we would plan who cooked what so David's parents didn't have to worry about a thing. Teri is an AMAZING cook so I knew if she was in charge everything would turn out delicious. Oh boy was it, everyone pulled together and made and brought delicious dishes. We all kept saying how it was the best thanksgiving we had had. David's dad couldn't eat much due to his pain and the cancer taking up his stomach but he ate as much as he could and kept saying how great everything was and what a perfect day it turned our to be. We relaxed, chatted, the boys watched football, we ate and pretty much had the most perfect thanksgiving ever.
The Saturday after thanksgiving it was finally time for us to head back home. We planned on coming back for Christmas and there really wasn't a thought in my mind that told me Jim wouldn't be around for it. I was packing everything up and Jim was standing in the kitchen, I looked at him and had this weird feeling like something was off. He looks really pale, weak, was slurring his words a little and almost fell over from being so dizzy. I told my mother in law, and she seemed worried but she said oh it's from all the medications he is on, which made sense and I thought that was probably it too. I walked behind him just incase he fell though because he was soooo wobbly. He went and sat on the couch where his sweet wifey attended to his every needs like usual. She took such good care of him every single day... More on that later. We said our goodbyes and told them we would see them for Christmas and would skype with them until then, and we were off on our long drive home.
Jim and Louise have the sweetest relationship I have ever seen. She took the best care possible of him. She hardly let him lift a finger if he didn't absolutely need to in those last few weeks of his life. She woke up all hours of the night to give him his medications so he didn't have to get up, if he was awake in pain, she was there by his side comforting him as best she could. That right there, is true love. 48 years of marriage in complete true love. The sweetest most caring relationship you could ever witness between two people. They were always like that, calling each other cute names like honey and babe. Before he got sick he would always open the car door for her, load all the groceries in the car for her, he treated her like a queen, which in return she treated him like a king. I strive every day to make little efforts for my relationship to be like theirs. No one is perfect, but they were pretty darn close if you ask me!
The day after we left, Sunday, we were informed Jim really wasn't doing well. David's brother Adams family had left earlier that day and said he didn't seem to be feeling well at all. We were all really really worried. They said he wasn't making sense when he talked, was extremely weak and dizzy, throwing up a lot including blood, so Teri rushed over to take him to the hospital. They got there and were informed he had lost a LOT of blood and that's why he was so weak and dizzy. I think if Teri hadn't have taken him in he wouldn't have made it another day. This was on Sunday December 1st. He really didn't want to be in the hospital but had to stay another day to get a blood transfusion. He was so low on blood it took 2 days to fill him back up. Teri said he was feeling so much better, she sent us a photo and he looked so much better, color back in his cheeks. His body was accepting the blood and recovering well and we were all beyond thrilled. Tuesday December 3rd he was able to go home. Erin David's sister immediately flew down to help Louise since he was now on hospice and they had planned on her helping once he got to that point.
He was on my mind constantly, I would text him or call Teri or Louise to check on him, but didn't want to be annoying. They then told us he wasn't doing well again and wasn't able to eat hardly anything. He would have a little jello but that was about it. Thursday December 5th we skyped with Jim so we could say hi and let him see the kids. It was so good to talk to him briefly and see him even if it was just on a computer screen. David and I were discussing when we would be going down for Christmas. His dad seemed to be in good spirits which we were really happy about and we continued to make plans of when we would be going back down to visit.
The next day, Friday I planned to go stay at my parents for the weekend up in Ogden with my littles. David had an event Friday and Saturday night so he couldn't come, and I had a family Christmas party I wanted to attend Saturday afternoon, my parents said they would drive down and pick me up because it would be snowy. So Friday I went up to Ogden... For some reason I kept thinking, I need to make sure the sound is on my phone incase something happens and someone needs to get a hold of me.
Friday night was a rough night. Kayden kept waking up histerically crying and I could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong. I was beyond exhausted and extremely frustrated. He didn't usually cry and cry like this. Finally around 5 am I got him calmed down again and he fell asleep. I fell back asleep and was completely exhausted, I had no clue where my phone was, I knew it was in the bed somewhere but I didn't care, and hadn't seen it since earlier that night.
At 7am on December 7th I was awoken to my phone vibrating.. I jumped up in a panic thinking this can not be good. Who is calling me this early, I searched around for my phone only to find it lost in the sheets. I looked at the screen, and I had a missed call from David's brother and sister and a text saying. It's time. Have David call now to say love you to my dad.
I was in a panic. I was up in Ogden over an hour drove from David and he was sound asleep at home. I figured they had tried to call David but his phone was on silent, I tried to call him anyway... But of course, no answer. What the heck was I going to do? David needed to wake up and call his dad, I had no clue how much time he had left and was racing the clock trying to figure out what to do. Could I call a neighbor to have them go bang on my front door? ... I seriously considered this option until I remembered the "find my phone" app. Thank you technology, bless you apple! I turned on the app and hit the option for lost mode, which means as long as the phone is on, it will make an obnoxious dinging sound until it's shut off, even if the phone is on silent. I hit the button and waited, hit it again and waited. I was frantic. Finally he called me, he obviously knew something was wrong but didn't yet know the severity. I whispered call your dad ok? He said ok, hung up and made the call.
Ten minutes later I got a text from David's brother Danny, it said. David just called, you can call if you want to say love you to my dad. I was shaking in a panic. Of course I wanted to call, I seriously love Jim and treated him as if he were my own dad. I called and he talked to me very briefly in a soft almost whispering voice. I said Jim?? I was holding back tears at this point and was sure he could tell from my voice, he responded with Hi Krista. I told him I love him which he responded I love you too. They had him on speaker because he was too weak to hold the phone, he could barely talk with all the morphine that had been admistered for the amount of pain he was in. I asked him if he was ok, because at this point I didn't realize he was only minutes from leaving this earth. He said in hushed tones, ya everyone is around me I'm ok. Meaning all his kids that were there and wife were all with him in these last moments. I said I love you again, not really knowing what to say and danny then came on and said he had to go call someone else, but they would call us later. I was so happy I was able to hear his voice one last time and will never forget how it sounded.
I hung up and was trying to figure out how we could atleast get David on a flight out there ASAP. My mind was racing as I was looking up flights. Roughly 30 minutes after I hung up with him I received a message saying he had passed. My heart sank. I was so relieved he wasn't in pain anymore because the amount of pain medications he was having to take would kill any normal person. I was happy he passed quickly. But of course was sad for the loss of David's sweet dad.
I went and told my mom what had happened and that I couldn't attend the family party and needed to get home to David. She was very sad to hear the news since she had grown very close to David's parents also. She completely agreed but was worried because of the weather. It was a snow storm outside but I knew I needed to get home ASAP. I hated that he was alone during this. My parents had errands they needed to run before the party, and I knew it would be a few hours for them round trip to take us. I was texting my BFF Cameron's mom, she literally is like a second mom to me and she offered to drive us home. She is really good at driving in the snow so I knew we would make it safe and sound. She came and picked us up, even made sure to have hot chocolate for us for the drive. She is the sweetest person and I love her even more for doing that for us. She was so calm the whole drive in that snow storm, saying exactly what I needed to hear in those moments. Love you Kathy.
I wish Kayden and Swayze would have been old enough to remember those last weeks with him. It's such a bummer my kids won't remember their amazing grandpa in this life. That's one thing I really struggle with, apart from missing Jim myself. He was always so sweet, kind patient, willing to help anyone at any time they needed it. We will seriously miss having him around or being able to call and tell him what our kids are up to. David was really close to his dad so it's been especially hard on him.
We flew down for the funeral, it was perfect and beautiful. Tons of people came for support and to show their love for Jim. The flowers were gorgeous, Adam David's brother made an awesome video/photo slide show, and they set up a nice table of old photos of him. Mossi our friend came and sang the most beautiful song, it's called dancing in the sky. Jim had such a love for music and I'm sure he is doing just what the song says, dancing in the sky. We have a iphone recorded version that's on Facebook.
All the talks were so great. David gave the most heart felt talk and I really enjoyed hearing him speak about his dad, and the love of music they shared. I was sobbing the entire time of course. The line in his talk that stuck out to me the most was. If my wife and kids love me half as much when I die, as I love my dad, I will be happy and have lived a good life.
We miss Jim like he wouldn't believe, but now feel extreme comfort knowing we have a guardian angel for us and our littles in heaven. We will meet again. God be with you till we meet again.
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